The power of change...

So it's time to power through. Time to change my ways. It seems that while people do honor the fact that there are an infinite number of writing processes, it can't be denied that getting out a first draft without thinking and over thinking it too much can be of great value when trying to successfully complete a project. If you read the comment from my friend Cam at the end of my last entry, you'll see the wonderful quote/cliche that he posted. "Writing is rewriting". Simple as that. So I'm ready for it. I'm going to step up to the plate and get out a first draft if it kills me. And not in my typical, rewrite as I go fashion either. From here on in I'm going to leave everything as it is and just get to the end before I make any drastic decisions about anything. Like changing one of my main characters from a woman to a man. Or suddenly deciding that it would be nice to change my setting from a present day apartment building full of crazy, unstable characters to a stable full of hot ranch hands somewhere in Montana. These are things that I can revise once I have a better idea of the bigger picture. For now... let it be.

This may sound like it's going to be a relatively easy thing to do, but trust me it's not. It's not only the fact that i've tried to do this before and suddenly found myself poring over old scenes and changing intricate details that alter the entire show, but i've been writing the way that I write now for a very long time and to suddenly be able to abandon my habits and trust that an entirely new and somewhat uncomfortable process will work out in the end is going to be difficult. But isn't that the most interesting part of it all? My entire play is about a group of characters so attached to the way their lives are that they can't see that it's really the inevitability of change and growth and evolution that keeps us happy and fresh and new. Once we let go and allow the tides of change to work through us, we almost always find that we're in a better place than we were before. It's resisting change that is really the source of all our suffering. So if this is the lesson that I want my characters to learn... maybe it would help for me to learn it first? Maybe I should embrace what's happening, stop resisting, and try out an entirely new process. Who knows... maybe I'll actually end up with a finished play in the end and everyone can stop listening to all my bitching and whining and can instead watch me torture myself as I try to actually make it all come together on a stage!

So let me ask you... is there anything in your life that you're resisting simply because it makes you a bit uncomfortable? Or because you're just a little bit too comfortable with the way things are now? I urge you to join me and embrace the discomfort of trying something new. Embrace change and know that in the end, it can only lead you to more growth and experience... even if it's hurt like hell first.
For those of you who will join me in my pursuit for growth, renewal, and evolution I salute you and wish you luck. God knows we're going to need it!

Here goes nothing...

Learning to trust...

I get really frustrated with my writing process. It makes me wonder if I'm the only person who writes like this or if it's a common thing among writers. And if it's not common it makes me wonder if there is any one process that most successful writer's share or if it's all just up in the air for the taking. I find myself trying to imagine if some of my favorites spend their time torturing themselves over a single draft in the same way I do, or if I somehow have it all completely wrong and am spending countless unnecessary hours doing something that should be saved for a time when I have some 'bigger picture' perspective on the whole thing. You hear all this talk of your first draft not having to be anything special, that it only needs to be the skeleton of what will eventually become a beautiful, fully fleshed out creature with wings wide enough to soar into the night sky and take you right along with it. Well what if you spend all your time fleshing out the feet before you even know if the creature will be male of female? You see, every time I go to continue work on my latest venture, in order to bring myself to a place of comfort and confidence that the next thing I write will go along in tone and style with everything that I've written before it, I must first read everything that came before in order to be able to continue. And herein lies the problem, you see, because every time I read what I've already written, I end up changing a lot of what's there. I'm constantly making revisions to a single draft while slowly and painfully pushing further along with the speed of... well of me trying to construct the perfect sentence for example. (Cut to me staring blankly at the computer screen for several minutes before suddenly bursting into uncontrollable sobs... you get the picture.) Even now as I'm writing this blog entry, the very same process is taking place. I finish a sentence, decide I need to read the whole piece for the 1000th time before continuing any further, and end up changing what's already there before adding on a couple more sentences and repeating the process all over again. Sound frustrating? Maddening even? People keep telling me to leave it alone, to only focus on what comes next, and to save my editing for a second draft, but no matter how hard I try, this just isn't the way that I write. So is there something wrong with this? Am I setting myself up for doom every time I start to write and rewrite? I can't fully tell you that this hasn't worked to my advantage a lot of the time either which makes it even more frustrating and confusing. Often some of my greatest thoughts and ideas come through this process and I don't think my writing would be the same without it... but it does make me wonder at the fact that since I haven't been completely satisfied with any BIG writing ventures I've pursued for quite a long time now, is there something I'm doing wrong? Is there even such a thing as a right way and a wrong way to create something worthy of creation? Or is it completely silly of me to assume that all the brilliant artists out there somehow share the same or at least a similar creative process?
I wish so badly that I could sit behind Wally Lamb, Elizabeth Gilbert, or Anne Rice as they stare at their computer screens and work away. That I could see them scream and yell at their work before writing and rewriting a paragraph over and over again until it becomes the brilliance that we know and love so much. If only for a second to see that they don't just sit and let the creativity flow through them gracefully with wide, knowing smiles on their faces and glowing auras around their bodies until they reach the end. Maybe if I could catch just a glimpse of this, I could let my process continue to work through me instead of trying to figure out how to work it so much. But still I can't help wondering, do these authors know everything about their characters before they write them? Or do the character's voices shift and change as they write? Do they start as blocks of stone that slowly get chiseled away into fully formed people that have to be constantly adjusted and readjusted as they go along? Or do they already exist inside their brilliant minds with fully formed personalities and flaws and vices and character arcs that guide them along to their beautiful and perfect endings before they even sit down and pick up a pen? How much do writers know of what will happen in their stories before they actually start writing? Who taught these people how to sit down and create such complex art without killing themselves in the process? Am I thinking about this too much? Should I just trust my process instead of questioning whether what I'm doing is right or wrong so much? The only reason I have a hard time doing this I guess is because I spent a lot of time over the last year of my life working on a play that I was hoping to produce this summer, only to take a few weeks away from it to discover that I'm not really all that in love with it anymore. Something about my original vision seemed to go astray somewhere. Something just doesn't feel right anymore and so now I'm left with months of work that I have no idea what to do with, and I want to do everything I can to avoid having this happen again.
It boggles my mind that any artist can ever really look at their work and see it as something complete and whole and not just a giant mess of endless self indulgent imperfection. But that's why I'm using this blog right? To work through my insecurities and finally find a way to use the voice I hear inside me to create something coherent, meaningful, and beautiful. Even if in the end it is only any of those things to me. I have to believe that when Stephen King first started writing Carrie, that it was actually called Carl, and that The Grapes of Wrath was originally written about apples. I have to believe that the writing process is an evolving one and that everything that ends as brilliance begins as a pile of shit with only a glimpse of what it will become glowing from within it. (I hope you have a mental image of that one :-) I have to believe that every failure I have is only leading me one step closer to my success. And I have to believe that all writers, even Shakespeare, existed in a world full of doubt, insecurity and constant creative madness. And because I don't have anyone to tell me any different... I have to trust my process to guide me to where it wants to go. I have to trust that this time around, i'll finish writing, sigh peacefully and give myself a pat on the back for the beautiful work I've just created and am so, so proud of. Can you imagine?

NO DAY BUT TODAY

So I'm in the middle of writing a play and like most writing ventures that I pursue, I've reached a place of severe frustration and doubt and have thus decided to start blogging about the process in hopes that it will assist me in working through my problems and help me to achieve my dreams of becoming a successful novelist/playwright/screenwriter or any/all of the above. At around midnight last night I sat on my couch with my laptop open staring at the ten odd pages of my most current attempt at brilliance when I suddenly found myself spouting off and whining in a typical Matthew Tuer fashion about how it's never going to happen, that I'm totally useless and why god why do I even bother continuing to torture myself again and again when suddenly I looked down at my arm and saw my beautiful tattoo that I got at the beginning of last summer.
NO DAY BUT TODAY
It's a line from the musical, 'Rent', in case you're one of the unfortunate people who hasn't had the chance to see it... or obsess over it (Okay, okay I know there are a lot of people who don't like it but I just don't think they really Understand it... it revolutionized Broadway for god sakes, and if you reallly just didn't like it, I'll try my best not to judge you... yeah right.) With a combination of fate and sheer effort, i've been fortunate enough to see the brilliant show 5 times. When I found out it was going to be shutting down off Broadway two summers ago I very quickly made the decision to make two of my dreams come true; one being to go to New York, and the other to see see Rent on Broadway. (I know, I know... and I didn't want this to be a gay blog! Ha!) So this tattoo has a lot of significance to me. Not only is it an amazing reminder every time I look at my arm to live for the moment, something we should all strive for every day of our lives, but it means so much more. Jonathan Larson, who was the incredibly talented creator/author of RENT, both music and lyrics, died tragically of a brain aneurism... get this... the night before RENT opened in New York!!! Jonathan never got to see the phenomenon that his musical became, running on Broadway for a whole 10 years! Something about this has always haunted me. More than that, it's shaken my very core. Why did this beautiful person die the NIGHT before his greatest acheivement? And I know a lot of weird and bad shit happens all the time, but this just seems like too much of a coincidance to not have some sort of universal, cosmic significance, don't you agree?! Like, Why the face? So what is it then? I don't think anyone could ever really know that except for maybe Jonathan Larson himself, wherever he may be. But what we can know is the significance his death had on the message of his brilliant show. No Day But Today. How F*#($*G crazy is that? Am I alone in this? Imagine those actors going on stage the day after Jonathan died and belting out through their tears, "No Day But Today". Wow. What a crazy world. But then it also made me wonder something from an artist's standpoint, which is really what I'm trying to get at here since this is supposed to somehow relate back to my journey towards becoming a writer. If Jonathan Larson had known that he would die before anyone had a chance to tell him what they thought of his show, would he still have wanted to devote how ever many years of his life to creating it? I don't think there's anyone reading this right now who would say that he wouldn't have. That he wouldn't still have taken all the pain and anger and frustration and beauty that goes into writing and spent every moment of his life devoted to making Rent possible. Even if he never knew it didn't completely bomb. And so isn't that the greatest lesson of all? The very thing I need to remind myself of every time I look down at my arm. It doesn't matter where any of my writing ends up, and who thinks what of it when it gets there. It only matters that it fullfills me in every moment of my life. That whatever stupid words spill out of my mouth and onto the page makes me giddy with joy every time I write a sentence. Who fucking cares if I win an Oscar or a Tony or a Razzie award. If I think too much about that, I'm going to miss the point. After all, I could drop dead the night before the Academy Awards. So maybe this shouldn't be my journey towards becoming a writer after all. Maybe it should be... "The journey of a writer". I like that much better, don't you? So I dunno.. maybe this inspired you a bit or maybe you didn't even make it this far.. but if you did, then I think you know what to do. Go out and pick up a pen, grab a baseball bat or a baton or a bag of heroin. Whatever you love to do and whatever fulfills you, do it everyday without ever thinking about where it will take you. (except maybe the heroin) R.I.P Jonathan Larson. One of the greatest artistic influences in my life. I will try to think of you the next time I find myself crying alone in my home through wine stained teeth... why god why isn't this easier? And let's all hope and pray that by the end of this venture i'll have an amazing play to produce and direct and that you can all come and see just how talented I really am! Wait a minute... did I just miss the point again? DAMNIT! :-)